I learned a long time ago that I don’t have life figured out. If you ever, for one second, think that we, here at “The Holt Rowland Foundation blog,” have all the secrets to coping with life’s struggles figured out, you would be mistaken. When we started our blog, close to one year ago, I had three distinct purposes in mind. One, honor God with all I write. Two, remind you about Holt Rowland or teach you about who he was if you never got to know him. And three, share our experiences of dealing with grief. Since that time, there have been days that I felt encouraged about life and it was easy to feel at peace, but then there were other days when I just felt a little down no matter what.
Recently, I sat in my car at the McDonald’s drive thru. It was a busy day during the week, and it was around noon. You can just imagine the line at noon in Blackshear. Given the lunch crowd, I was at the end of a long line waiting to place my order. As I sat in the car waiting, I began thinking about Holt. All the times he had pulled through that same drive-thru and waited to order a meal with no doubt, a large sweet tea to drink. The more I sat and thought about him, the sadder I got. It was like grief had walked up beside my car and hopped right in the front seat. It just seemed to consume everything around me.
I sat there continuing to think about how many things in life I would like to change. How many things I would like to do over. How many things in life just cause sadness. One thought led to another, and I soon started thinking about how most everybody in life, at some point, has to deal with grief. Losing people we know and love is a just a part of life, and it is never easy. The more I thought about things, the sadder I got.
On the bright side, in respect to losing loved ones, Holt was really blessed. When he was little his great grandparents passed away, but he never really experienced losing a close relative or friend when he was old enough to understand the pain. I never remember him ever feeling upset from grief or having to deal with a deep, painful hurt of any kind. I really feel like that was so gracious of God to spare him from those painful emotions. Holt’s life was always full of joy, never sadness.
I, on the other hand, don’t feel so lucky. I know the painful emotions of grief way too well. I can spot them, and certainly feel them, coming from a mile away. Not long after Holt’s accident, I found a verse in the Bible that I felt like was written just to describe what I was going through. It was a verse written by David during a time when he was down in the dumps, waiting on God to do something.
Psalm 40: 1-3
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire, he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”
This verse is about me. I often times find myself in a pit; a pit that is deep and very dark. I used to imagine it being a real place where I felt buried so deep that sunlight couldn’t reach. I often prayed, “Lord, I feel so sad; I can’t even see a glimmer of light.” I know what that pit feels like.
There are many times I have cried out and wondered, “Lord, do you ever hear me crying? The verse says that you will hear me, but do you?” I have been the one begging for God to turn my way and change my situation making my life “normal” again. I’m the one who got ticked off when I read the “waiting patiently” part and thought, “Who wants to wait patiently in a slimy pit? Nobody has that kind of patience.” That has been my bad attitude many, many times.
If you name the emotion, I’ve felt it. There are even times when I knew God was trying to lift me out of the pit, but I resisted and crawled back in again. I have had those break-though moments, but there is always that temptation to have a huge pity party and creep back to the pit. It’s scary, sometimes you can stay down there so long, it begins to feel “comfortable”. Sadly, the more comfortable we feel in the pit, the harder it is to leave.
I still read those verses over and over again and again, thinking about my pit. I even told my sister-in-law that someday I’m going to write a book entitled, “Lessons I Learned From the Bottom of a Pit.” I believe I could author a whole series of books about being an expert pit-dweller!
Recently, whether it’s due to life getting back to normal after summer vacation or just life in general, I have felt pretty close to the edge of the pit. So, given the expert knowledge I have about pit dwelling, I thought I would share something that I have definitely learned….
No matter how deep I go in my pit. No matter how lonely my pit feels. No matter how mad I am at my life’s circumstances. God has been right there beside me all the time. When I first read Psalm 40, I would picture God way above me as I lay in the bottom in my darkness. I kept praying for God to just turn my way. It has taken me over two years to understand that when I am in the pit, feeling hopeless and discouraged, God is not looking away until my cries get his attention. He is right there within me, knowing the pain, feeling the hurts, understanding why I want to be in the pit, and patiently waiting until I am ready to be lifted out.
I think God patiently waits on me! I’m the one who takes so long to understand!! When I feel like I am in a literal “hell,” God is right there with me. I’m never deserted. I’m not abandoned. And, I am no more forgotten about than a newborn baby who is being held in it’s mother’s arms. If I have trusted Jesus with my life, the pit is truly a temporary place. God is waiting to life me out, place me on firm ground, and fill my mouth with the ability to praise him for all he has done for me. I am still not positive about what my “new song” will be, but I know part of it involves sharing with you just how God has helped me.
So pardon my recent delay in blogging. Traveling in and out of a pit takes time. I am still “hanging by a thread” as far as my bracelet is concerned. It’s mid-August and that thing shows no signs of falling off any time soon. Kassie may have been right, but I am certainly not giving up hope yet. Until next time, blessings to you from where I am standing, on top of a rock, located outside of the pit.
