A friend recently asked me what I thought Holt would say about our blog and the posts I write about him. At first, I immediately thought about how very humbled and honored he would be to know that people take time to read these posts. Without a doubt he would be very proud of the foundation and our work to “Leave a mark for good,” but… deep down I know exactly what he would say just to me….. “Mama, you talk too much!”
I just know my kid. I know that Holt has always teased me about talking too much. He would even say to me, “Alright Mama, just leave the talking to me.” I guess he thought I would ramble on and embarrass him. Who me?…. Ramble on?…Only when I am talking about topics that I love, and Holt Rowland is definitely one of those topics. So,…until I see him again; until he can scold me in person for rambling; and until he pays me back all those kisses and hugs he owes me, I will keep on talking too much about him.
In my last post, I was “talking” about Holt’s first mission trip out of the country and my feelings about that experience. Usually when I hit the button to publish our blog, I am finished with that thought, and I my mind starts looking for direction about what to write next. However, this past week my thoughts have been different. My last post has constantly been on my mind and kind of bothered me in a strange sense. Now maybe I do ramble at times because I could literally write a dozen stories about that one mission trip, but I believe that today God wants me to say a few more specific things related to what I know from this experience.
God is bigger than our fears. When I tell you that I was worried at first, that is the truth. I was scared. Scared of the long plane ride there and back. I was afraid that he would get lost (it’s happened before), afraid he would be abducted, afraid he would be miserable being so far away from home; I was just afraid of a lot. But when I sensed God revealing to me that Holt should go on that trip, that fear was slowly replaced with peace. As a parent, this was not an overnight process, but God truly gave me confidence that no matter where Holt was or what he was doing, He would take care of him. After all, God loves Holt even more than Dave and I do. He took care of him then, and I know He still takes care of him now.
As our Heavenly Father, God understands how hard it is for us to give up control of our kids. Parents are designed to love and protect their children; we want what is best for them, but at times, we want what is best for them to a fault. Sometimes our “protection” keeps them from experiencing all that God has planned for them. If my fear had kept Holt from going, he would have missed out on so much. He was able to experience more in that one trip than many people experience in a lifetime. What if my fearful self had won that battle instead of God? My child would have been denied the opportunity to reach lost people for Christ. My selfishness could have had an eternal impact on the people that Holt met on that trip. I am so very thankful to God that faith won the battle over fear.
I know God also takes care of the little things. When Holt was gone for those weeks during the trip, we thought about him so often. We wondered how he was, what he was doing and seeing, what he was eating, and if he was homesick. He was gone around July 4 so he missed celebrating with our family; we naturally felt a little sad about that. Being a huge baseball fan, we thought Holt would also miss out on watching the Home Run Derby and the All-Star Game that summer. I know that seems insignificant, but have no fear, God provided a way…Holt wound up watching the game in the home of a missionary who was also a big baseball fan. We felt sad and thought Holt was missing out while all along God was looking out for him in every way…..even in the seemingly insignificant things.
One huge thing that God showed me during this trip was how all things can work together for good if we trust in Him. The year before Holt went on this mission trip, (before we had any idea about it) Holt began experiencing pain in his shoulder when he threw the baseball. After doctor visits, x-rays, MRI’s, and therapy it became evident that he needed to have surgery to repair the damage. After exhausting all means to avoid surgery, we decided to go ahead with it in November of Holt’s ninth grade year. Having surgery during this time of year meant that Holt would miss most of his freshman year of playing baseball. The surgery recuperation required six weeks in a sling followed by at least four months of physical therapy twice a week. During this time Holt would slowly work through a throwing program with the therapist so that he could safely strengthen those muscles again.
Missing freshman year of playing baseball was hard on Holt. It was also discouraging for our whole family because we all looked forward to watching him play in high school. Even though Holt couldn’t take the field, he would attend practice after therapy and do whatever he physically could. Often times he filled ice coolers, kept up with stats in the dugout, and chased foul balls. My heart broke for him because he just wanted to be able to play with the team. We didn’t understand why his arm trouble had to happen when it did because it was just terrible timing. Now there are some parents who would have put the surgery off until freshman season was over….. “play through the pain mentality,” or other parents who would have skimped on therapy in order to get their kid back on the field faster. It is tempting to do those things, I know it is, but this is the first thought I had when Holt was on that mission trip. If we had chosen to wait until the summer to have surgery on his arm, he would have still been in a sling in July. He wouldn’t have physically been able to go on that trip and be part of recreation with kids if we had put it off. We were so discouraged when he missed out playing on the ball field, but because he missed out and strengthened his arm, he was healthy and ready for God to use him on the mission field. What appeared to us to be terrible timing and punishment for Holt turned out to be a perfectly timed blessing for him later. I know God used that discouraging incident to bring about good and fulfill His purpose.
Well, in case you are wondering, I have now written over 1200 words on this post. Who says I talk too much??? I just can’t help myself! I can’t promise that I will be quiet about this topic, but I can promise that no matter what is happening in your life right now, God can be trusted with your fears. He even cares about your smallest worry, and you never know when disappointment really could be a blessing in disguise.
