My week of Thanksgiving vacation started off just as I anticipated. My list of projects readily in hand with energy to check them all off by the week’s end. Hunter said, “Vacation to Mama means time to work!” I laughed when he said it, but I had to agree. I am project oriented. I like to feel like I get things done, but much to my dismay, my sweet husband informed me, in a not-so-sweet way, that I like to start projects but rarely finish them. I argued with him at first until he walked around the house pointing out project after project that I started but never quite finished. Since that conversation, I have been all the more determined to finish those old projects and get my new ones in high gear too.
My first weekend on break started out strong. Even though I had been battling a runny nose and cough for a week, I wasn’t going to let that hinder what I wanted to get done during this break. I worked all day last Saturday and got some big things accomplished. I felt really pumped about all that I could do in the upcoming week.
Sunday morning I got up and went to church. We had an amazing sermon that God truly used to speak to our family. One of those sermons that you leave thinking those words were spoken as confirmation to you right then and there. As we listened, Dave and I sat there knowing that God was using our pastor in a way that even he was unaware of at that moment. Just confirmation, once again, that God has big plans for our little foundation and our little family.
Near the end of the service, I remember hearing our pastor say that God wants us to be “all in.” Before Holt’s accident, I thought I understood what being “all in for Jesus” really meant in life. But now, those words take on a different meaning with every day that passes. Being “all in” to me now means so much more. It’s admitting that I am not in control and never have been for even one second. It’s letting go of things that I believe that are important and seeking what is most important to God. It’s not living in fear of what people may think of me or my family or my crazy plans. It’s about saying, “Lord, take this life of mine, as messed up as it is at times. All the good, the bad, the sad, and the inabilities, and use it all in some way for your glory. Take what’s left of our story and use it for something that gives you the glory.”
I don’t write those words easily. I like to have things my way. I like a plan; I like to be in charge. Feeling like I do not know the next move is not my kind of adventure. I’m a school teacher, for heaven’s sake, I like structure! Telling God, once again, “I am all in, and I really mean it!” means that I have to let go. Let go of fear. Let go of doubt. Let go of how I think my life should go from here on out.
After a service that truly blessed my soul and encouraged my spirit, I was full of strength and stamina on Monday. I went for a run; I cleaned my house. I checked off projects left and right. As I ran that morning, I could just feel God filling my mind with ideas for blogs and reminding me about stories from Holt’s life that I should share. Those things energized me even more. On Tuesday, I got up with my “to-do list” nearby and started to work. You might remember, it was rainy on Tuesday, so I worked inside most of the day. I organized our pantry, cleaned my closet, took care of some paperwork, ran some errands, and visited with my best friend from out of town. As we visited with each other, I shared with her what the Lord was doing in my life and our foundation. It felt so good to be encouraged and full of anticipation of what God can do when we are “all in for him.”
On Wednesday, I woke up early for a day trip with my sister to Jacksonville. My runny nose had now become so constant that I had to keep a handkerchief with me all the time, and by nightfall, my cough was constant. When Thanksgiving Day rolled around, I did not want to get out of the bed. My body ached all over; I felt like Dave had punched me all night in my sleep. All I wanted for Thanksgiving was a quiet hospital room and an IV of medicine to make me feel better! I fought the urge to go straight to the emergency room, and we made the rounds visiting with our families, but I felt terrible. All my energy zapped! The thought of completing another project made me hurt even more; all I wanted was a hot bath and a doctor’s appointment first thing Friday morning.
Thankfully, Friday morning came. I got an appointment and some medicine. When I returned back home, I stayed on the couch for the next two and a half days! No more projects checked off for me. After Wednesday, I was as done as that Thanksgiving turkey!!!
It’s now Sunday night, and I still feel like staying in the bed. I forced myself to get up and sweep out my garage this afternoon, and as I was sweeping, I could sense the devil just laughing at me. “How does it feel to be all in?” he says with a sarcastic sneer. “You feel like saving the world today when you don’t even feel like getting dressed?”
I made myself keep sweeping until I finished that task. The more I swept and tried to feel better, the more I sensed the Lord saying, “Why don’t you go write a little?” Immediately I thought, “Lord, you know my head is hurting, and my nose is still stuffed. I can’t concentrate and write. Not today. I’m still feeling so bad; I’m still sick!” But as clear as day, I know the Lord said to me, “That is just what the devil wants you to do. He doesn’t want you to feel like writing or encouraging or doing anything that shows you are all in with me. He wants you to stay quiet and comfortable…”
So here I am, typing and blowing my nose at the same time! I still feel horrible, but I am not going to let the devil win this battle. The devil came to KILL, STEAL, and DESTROY, but the one who controls MY life “CAME SO THAT I COULD OVERCOME THIS WORLD!” Yes, I am yelling….not at you, but at the one who tries to convince me that being “all in” isn’t worth it! The one who tries to persuade me to look at my life and feel defeated and destroyed. The one who says, “Do you really believe in miracles, and do you really think God will finish what he started in you?” To that I say, “YES, I SURE DO!”
God is not like me. I am not some random project of his that is only important at the start. The Bible says that God will complete every good work that he has begun. I am so very far from perfect, but God loves me nonetheless, and he loves you too. If you have ever felt like me, ready to fight the world, then knocked flat on your back, give the devil a good swift wake-up call, and do something that will give God some glory! There is no better way to fight back and become an overcomer than to listen to what God is telling you to do and DO IT, even if you don’t feel like it! Being “all in with Jesus” really is worth it.
John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 16:33 ” I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”
